About IQ, part 3: Product warnings and instructions

Partea a treia: instructiuni pe etichete sau in manuale de utilizare. Enjoy.


"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use during earthquakes." -- On a shaving blade.

"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.


"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Cleans and refreshes without soap or water. Contains: Water, fragrance & soap."

"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Materials:
Covering: 100% Unknown.
Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
-- On a pillow.

"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin.

"Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.

About IQ, part 2: Doctors

Ceva mai scurt, ca nu cumva să obosiţi. Enjoy.


"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

"The patient refused an autopsy."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days." (40 pounds = 18 kg)

"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

About IQ, part 1: Lawyers and witnesses

Sper că vă descurcaţi la engleză, sunt prea leneşă ca să le traduc. Enjoy.

* Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
* Witness: “I only have one, you know.”

* Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”
* Witness: “By death.”
* Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

* Lawyer: “How old is your son, the one living with you?”
* Witness: “Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”
* Lawyer: “How long has he lived with you?”
* Witness: “Forty-five years.”

* Lawyer: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?”
* Witness: “He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’”
* Lawyer: “And why did that upset you?”
* Witness: “My name is Susan.”

* Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
* Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
* Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
* Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

* Lawyer: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

* Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”
* Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

* Lawyer: “The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?”

* Lawyer: “I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.”
* Witness: “That’s me.”
* Lawyer: “Were you present when that picture was taken?”

* Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?”
* Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
* Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?”
* Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
* Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?”
* Witness: “No.”

* Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
* Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”

* Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”
* Witness: “No.”
* Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”
* Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”
* Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”
* Witness: “Attached to the ears.”

* Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
* Witness: "I could see his head."
* Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
* Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

* Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
* Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
* Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"

* Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"